a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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