I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
