i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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