I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
