I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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