only you would photoshop your dick
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize