recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Hippo gnu deer
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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