I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize