Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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