So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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