All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
