Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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