I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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