If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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