What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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