i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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