Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
