Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
