Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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