The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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