He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
