Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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