Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
