just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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