my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think a kid would responsible me up
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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