I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
