Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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