If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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