guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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