mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
