she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize