Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
wanna go halves on a baby?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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