If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
pray to the hookup gods
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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