So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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