i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
