dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
