How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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