found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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