I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
