god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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