It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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