Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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