my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
