if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
