I wanna bring you to show and tell
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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