my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
