Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Randomize
