he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
