Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
