someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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