I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
