The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
