I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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