Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
