I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
