i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
