i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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