i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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