i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize