last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
