please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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