Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
