Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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