You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
